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This Week's Shredder

But Enough of That-

Let's Talk About Me

Well, if you missed the first live Shredder chat session on the Internet Friday, you missed the best time this town has seen since Poly Royal. Or at least, the best time I've had since Poly Royal.

Some folks logged in from home. Others took advantage of free access at The Library bar and the Fix Network office. And, of course, many of our virtual guests engaged in the usual fruitless probing of my identity. What is it with you snoopy people?

One guy, who went by the name Soyboy, was certain I'm New Times music writer and troublemaker Glen Starkey, since, he said, "Glen has the only biting sarcasm to be found over there at New Times."

Apparently this poor sod knows Glen personally because "He drew my girl."

See, when Glen's not sarcastically biting local bands, he's quite the local artist. I don't think there's a SLO Town ingenue left who hasn't been nude in Glen's swank studio.

Soyboy was close, but he didn't quite score a bull's eye. I have seen Soyboy's girlfriend naked, but I'm not Glen Starkey. Except, of course, in Glen's wildest dreams.

The session's most explosive moments came later, when the Multibomber showed up. The Multibomber is one of SLO Town's emerging eccentrics. He skulks around town with an orange baseball cap shoved over his eyebrows, muttering inanities, and getting thrown out of local establishments for inappropriate behavior.

Using the cryptic handle "Yellow," the Multibomber made one or two lucid comments, such as "Hello all" and the chilling statement, "Multibomber has no brother." Everything else he uttered was so random that our chat guests were convinced he was using some sort of code language. For example, the Multibomber said, "plier," then "dwarf." Soon he gave up on complete words, saying "o" or some combination of words and letters like "op t dog and u p."

Well, I decided I'd had about enough of this dog, so I booted him from the chat room. But he was so much fun, I hope he returns for the next Shredder chat in August.

You see, I just had a blast talking to you little people one on one. I hope more of you show up next time, and I hope Friday's visitors become regulars. I'll chat with you in August, at a time and date to be announced.

Meanwhile, I'm X-raying all incoming packages.

The chat session's most explosive moments came when the Multibomber showed up.

GOO TO YOU, TOO: Well, we won't be at a loss for fun this weekend. You'll find me at Unocal's Avila BeachFest '96. The popular local oil company has launched the BeachFest to help promote poor Avila, which has been struggling economically since Unocal began cleaning up the lake of spilled oil the town floats upon.

"Central Coast residents know and love Avila Beach," said Unocal prattler Jim Bray. "And we want to add to the enjoyment this summer."

But Jim, you've done so much already! Who can forget the summer Unocal boosted Avila tourism by dumping oil on that rival beach, Pirate's Cove, closing it for months? Who could deny all the enjoyment we've had watching huge pits in the sand slowly fill with bubblin' crude? Or the sheer delight with which we greeted a jury's award last week of 1 million of Unocal's dollars to Avila motel owner Sharon Morrison, who sued Unocal for lost business?

But there's no stopping the Unocal party machine. They've planned a whole weekend of fun-filled family festivities. The Beach Swim Race should be particularly exciting. Avila is the only place, after all, where you can swim on the beach. It's a little gooey, but hey, a couple cans of turpentine and you're good as new. Avila's also the only beach where the sand castles come with flammable moats. That should make the sand sculpture contest a real gas.

I can promise you one thing: No shortage of lighter fluid for the barbecues.

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Last Revised - 8/30/99
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